Contentment

We ordered a wheelchair yesterday, just in case. My back has been a problem all week, and only slightly recovered this morning. At times it's been enough to discourage me from thinking about my future in jiu jitsu. A week or so ago, I wrote that I had a big ask of God... that I'd be freed from cancer treatments for this year so that I could pursue my black belt. Immediately, I heard the question: will I be OK if the answer is "no"?

I've been wrestling with that question ever since. I can boldly declare that I'll be fine, and force myself to believe it. The problem is that I secretly held onto the stubbornly selfish idea that pursuing my black belt was the only way forward, and of course God would want that for me. The relentless pain of the past few days has eaten away at the roots of that idea. Presently, I don't know when or if I will step back on the mat for anything more than a photo with friends. Will I be OK if the answer is "no"?

I found I couldn't honestly answer the question. Always, my "yes" was a lie, falling back on my own designs for my future. Could I give my martial arts career to God, and trust Him with it? I tried to say I could, but I was deluding myself. I was beginning to find the subject depressing.

My friend Matt received his black belt today. We started martial arts together, in Krav Maga in 2016. A year later, he transitioned to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and I followed soon after. He has always been more athletically gifted than me, and soon his skills surpassed my own.

As blue belts, we taught the kids class together. Then he joined another gym, and we haven't trained together in some time though we've remained friends. When I got the news that he would be getting that "final" promotion today, I made plans to be there. I bought tickets to the seminar, then discovered that I would not be able to participate thanks to my back pain.

The jiujitsu community is a small one, and I was greeted like an old friend by those who knew me. Professor Tyler Griffin offered me his office chair if I needed it, and kept checking on me to make sure I was comfortable. I had a great view of a fellow brown belt as he practiced the moves, and if I ever do make it back on the mat, I look forward to trying what I picked up.

It's tradition to give the newly minted black belts time to make a short speech. Matt generously used his time to name check me, citing our time in the martial arts together as a major factor in his later success. He gave me a hug, and we both might have teared up a little.

As I left the gym, I started thinking about all the people, kids and women in particular, that I've introduced to the martial arts over the past 10 years. I thought about those who went on to surpass me in skill, those who had to use their skills in real life self defense, and those who just got a friendly intro, courtesy of the Titan Martial Arts "new student ambassador". I realized I don't need anything else. I would still like to train, and I would still like to eventually be promoted, but helping others enjoy the martial arts is what's most important to me. I am content.

Congratulations, Professor Matt Thornton. By the grace of God I may join you at rank some day. If that doesn't happen, thank you for helping me figure these things out.

I love you buddy.