Fraud

A young mother who is a friend through jiujitsu recently told me that she’s been reading the Bible, about a page a day. I told her about the Bible Recap and explained why it is such a help in that endeavor, and also gave her some tips about getting through the more tedious sections. A couple of days later, I was able to give her an extra copy of the Recap that I happened to have. It gave me some pleasure to notice her thumbing through it on her way to her car after class. I hope it serves her well.

I tried to quit the drug trial, but my oncologist has other plans. He’s trying to negotiate me into staying on it at half the dose. He leveraged the fact that the next treatment is chemotherapy, and probably guessed that I am not anxious to get that started. I am so averse to unexpected conflict that I agreed, though his nurse noticed and tried to advocate on my behalf. We’re going to try the half dose next week but I am dreading it with all that I am.

In the meantime, I am wracked by stress and feelings of guilt. I have been living the past few days with a tumultuous collection of thoughts and worries. Does this mean we’re nearing the end of all treatment options? Is it time to start understanding nursing home options and end of life care? I find myself checking our financial picture about every other day, wondering how it will go if I suddenly need to spend thousands a month on either nursing or hospice care.

Most of all though, I feel like a fraud. Where is the confidence I have professed in the past? Where is my hope? Where is my trust that God has this all safely in hand? I can get to a few moments of peace here in the morning, praying through the sunrise. What I can’t seem to do is carry it through the day, even with more prayer to sustain me. There are so many people, even at our church, who are suffering worse issues that I hesitate to add my paltry worries to the prayer list. This is a matter of my own weak faith, I should be able to straighten it out without further burdening people who are already praying for my cancer.

I spoke to L, my friend in the Intractable Medical Conditions Club, because I knew she’d understand. She’s been in tests of wills with doctors herself. She asked if going on half a dose is what God wanted for me. I’ve been so busy praying for the strength to get through this upcoming half dose exercise that I hadn’t even thought to ask the question. I confess that either way, I am afraid of the answer.

She reminded me of all the great things God has done through this journey already, the works that are plainly visible from the outside looking in. He’s healed my soul. He’s healed my marriage. He’s given Lisa and me a love and a knowledge of love that we can’t deny. She went on, and it was such a beautiful encouragement of a speech that I wish I had it recorded. I have pretended to have the gift of encouragement, but this woman leaves me in her dust.

So here I am, praying through another sunrise. Fix my faith, Father. Remove my doubts. Calm my fears. Give me the confidence I pretend to have. And thank You for the gift of knowing that one more person in my circle has opened her Bible and taken one step closer to You.